Diary entry....

For the past couple of weeks reality has been hiting me so hard... I try to ignore but honestly I cant run away from this any longer. Im not in a good space. Everything had been going so well in my life since the year began but it seems like it was only temporary. I feel like im depressed,like I'm losing myself all over again...feeling like how I did last year. I hate it so much,I really didnt want to be back here again...Im starting to think I never really found myself to begin with... I cry so much and sometimes I just dont know why...ok,Im lying.. I do know why,I just sometimes dont think the things I cry and become so sad about are worth it... Let me fill you in into my mind and heart..call this a diary entry. I hate where I am in terms of school,I feel like I have made the wrong choice as to what I wanna study.. It happened alot this semester that as I was sitting in my law lectures, I felt so out of place.. like im just not fitting in and Im not suppose to be here... After a whole year wasted of doing nothing last year its pretty shitty to be feeling like this since I finally got the chance to study. I feel like Iv ran too far now in this to just turn back and say "I dont want to do this anymore" even though its the truth,I really dont want to do this anymore. Im not doing as well as I wanted to and its frustrating me. Exams are approaching and Im so scared that I wont make it and my biggest fear of all is that Im going to let my mother down after everything she has done for me to get me where I am... My current relationship with the person I really actually love after all the bullshit Iv been through with the oppposite sex is also falling apart infront of my eyes and I really dont know what to do. My mind says I should just let go and walk but my heart wont let me move... He makes me so happy but there's such a huge storm.. It hurts me so much because in my heart I know Iv found the perfect one,he is so good. He is the change Id been looking for for the past year. The one I thanked God everyday that I have finally met him. and now? Its bad.. and I try to hold on but its so damn hard.. Then there's my father.. "typical South African Run Away,Hide and Seek" kinda father. He's sold me the best of dreams and I bought them. He made me believe that he is changing and actually wanted to make things work with me last year.. but.. he disappeared AGAIN!!! Im so angry and I really dont want to be. He promised to support me and my mother when it comes to school,he promised me the life of knowing where I come from... and now that I need him,he is gone..again... I blame him for so many things. I blame him for my failling relationship/s. I blame him for not sticking around to show me how male love feels,how to conquer the world,how to be strong. Now Im outchea dealing with shit im not strong enough for. Then there's me and God.. I miss the relationship I used to have with my Supreme Being. Now Iv lost some faith... I miss the every-midnight-praying lady I used to be. Now she's also disappearing... I suffer from insecurities.. self doubt,I question everything,Im scared of getting hurt,I feel crazy.. I miss the girl I used to be 2 years ago. I didnt care much and my spirit was at ease most of the time. When life got tough Id laugh it off and Id be alright. I used to cool. I liked that Nolwazi. She left me last year when shit started hitting the fan... and I dont think she's gonna come back. I write this and Im crying. But I really feel I needed to. I cant vent to some people close to me coz they will never understand.. That's why i wanted to blog again coz I thought id find some form of therapy. "Posting your issues on the internet isnt going to help you sweety" you might be thinking. But maybe someone who reads this will tell me something that I really need to read.. But comparing how I felt from the beginning of this paragraph to now,I feel better for venting... I pray that things will turn around.. 2013 was suppose to be my year. I hope in this darkness I can find light...because honestly... Im such a mess....